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SONG:


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savage, fierce and toothless

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VOICEOVER:
Horrible Histories presents:

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Romans!

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Have you heard about
our new Roman laws?

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Have you heard about knocking
before you come in?

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That's right -
us Romans have finally taken

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our traditions and unspoken rules

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and written them down, making laws.

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Is there one about knocking
before you come in?

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Shh, you!

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Welcome to the all-new 12 Tables,

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the foundations of Roman law,
that you have to live by.

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Building a road?

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Our new laws state that each road
should be at least eight feet wide.

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How wide is yours?

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Seven feet.
Start again.

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You can't make me do that!

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I've already done 35 miles!

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Sorry. That's the law.

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Ah!

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Selling your child into slavery?

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There are rules against that.
Yes!

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Oh, great.
Come on!

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You're only allowed to do that
THREE times.

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Aha!
Aha! Off you go, then.

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Come back soon, yeah?

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So we can sell you again.

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(BOTH LAUGH)

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(SCATS)

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Evil singing? Ha!
(BUZZER)

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There's the death penalty for that.

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Stop hitting me.

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(BELL TOLLS)
(SOBS)

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There are even laws
dedicated to women.

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Do you mind? This is a funeral!

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And you're crying excessively.
(BELL TOLLS)

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That's against the rules
at a funeral.

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(BUZZER)
(SOBS)

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What about him?

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There are no rules
about men crying at funerals.

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Are you OK, hon?

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Who wrote these laws?

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Men. Of course.

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(BELL TOLLS)

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So, if you want to be
as happy as these two,

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get the 12 Tables.

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Why would we need 12 tables?!

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We've already got one!
(LAUGHS)

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Not THAT kind of table, silly.

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(SNAPS FINGERS)

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(CLANGING)
Yes.

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Find out about
the 12 Tables of Roman Law.

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These laws are so good that
some of them will still be around

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in over 2,000 years.

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Is there anything about hitting
an annoying salesman over the head

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with a big lump of bronze?

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Well, not exactly.

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Right.

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Oh!

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The 12 Tables of Roman Law.

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A law for every occasion, almost.

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(GROANS) That's MY line.

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Shh, you!
(GROANS)

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Yep - throughout history,

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there've been
some very strange and unfair rules.

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"Don't fish in the sewer. Don't
lick your feet when you're eating."

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Honestly, a lot of the time,

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it's like people are making it up
as they go along.

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Take William the Conqueror.

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He became king of England in 1066

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and decided to change some laws
to make them less harsh.

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To be honest, I think some people
wished he hadn't bothered. Ooh!

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You killed my cousin!

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Therefore, your life be forfeit.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

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You don't need to swing axe.

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You need to chillax. Am I right? Huh?

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I'm King William, yeah?

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Winner of the Battle of Hastings.

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And as the new King,
I get to make the laws now.

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You feel me?
He's a murderer, though.

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And would more killing
really be the answer?

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Do we have to be those guys?

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Wouldn't it be better
if we could find another way?

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It would. It definitely would.

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Oh, yeah.
Big surprise you're saying that.

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This guy, he messed up big-time.

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But are any of us perfect?

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It's not really the point.
He murdered...

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OK. I feel a new law coming on.

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As the first Norman king of England,

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I proclaim the end

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of the death penalty.

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(LAUGHS) Yeah, boy!

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We will find better ways
of living our lives.

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Right. Thank you, everybody.

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It has been intense, but, uh...
(CLICKS)

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Whoa!

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Where are you going?

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I thought we were done.

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not letting you go.

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No way.

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I'm going to...

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..poke out his eyes
and chop off his dangly bits.

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"Eyes and dangly bits".

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Whoa!

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Bit extreme.

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He'll...he'll die anyway, won't he?

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Possibly. I mean,
it'll definitely be slow and painful.

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If that's the case, I might just
go back to the straight execution.

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He's comfortable with that.
I'm...I'm fine with that.

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Ah! No executions.

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We are not monsters.

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EXECUTIONER:
OK. Start with the eyes.

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I can't do this.

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I just feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry.

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Whoa! You know, I'm so touched
you felt you could say that.

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You know, not enough people
say no to the King.

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Never. Never do, no.
No. No.

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I think we were all getting
a bit hot-headed,

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you know when men get in a group
and we just kind of go a bit crazy.

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(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Yeah.

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Unfortunately,
I am going to have to find you guilty

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of disagreeing with the King.

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So...punishments...

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..maybe I chop off his hands.

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"Chop off his hands
for disagreeing with the King".

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Sire, you can't chop off my hands!
I'm a...

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Uh-oh! More disagreement.

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Better lose the feet too.

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You can't do this.
Look, look.

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I'd...I'd stop arguing
at this point.

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And his nose.

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Why?!
Nose. Good shout. Yeah.

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At least
you get to keep your dangly bits.

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OK, guys. We all good? Isn't this
a much nicer way of doing things?

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Absolutely not.
In my case, I wasn't even...

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Seriously, people are
going to love my new laws, huh?

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So much more civilised.

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Great chat!

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Right. Hands up
who was the eyes and dangly bits.

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Oh.

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Chop chop! (LAUGHS)

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(FANFARE PLAYS)

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(AXE STRIKES)

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Henry VIII in the house!

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Now, I love coming up with new rules,

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but did you know I once
had the law changed because of soup?

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(SNIFFS) Mmm, soup.

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It's nutrish and delish.

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Now, in 1531, the Bishop
of Rochester's cook, Richard Roose,

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said that, as a joke,
he'd put something in the bish's soup

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which would make anyone who ate it
poo a lot.

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(FLATULENCE)
Hilarious!

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Unfortunately, 17 people were taken
ill and one woman actually died.

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Turns out
he'd poisoned them by mistake.

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So, after this, I had the law changed
to classify poisoning as treason

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and punishable by death.

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But how did I decide
the poisoner should die?

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Was it:

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(FLATULENCE)

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(BUBBLING)

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(AXE STRIKES)
(SQUELCH)

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The answer is B - boil them alive -
and that's what happened to Roose,

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all because he tried to make poo soup
as a prank.

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(FLATULENCE)
Who's that?

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Probably the dog.

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(DOG WHINES)
(FLATULENCE)

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Laters, rule-breakers!

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(LAUGHS)
Well, we've seen some rule-MAKERS,

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so, what about rule-BREAKERS?

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When YOU break the rules at home,
you might get sent to your room

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or banned from chewing the cereal
boxes and weeing in the cupboard.

190
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Oh. Uh, pro...probably a rat thing,
the last one.

191
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Anyway, it can seem really unfair,
but trust me,

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things were worse and much stranger
in the past.

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Peter of Privy Lane.

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You stand accused of theft.

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How do you wish to be judged?

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I choose...

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..trial by combat, my lady.

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Let my accuser and I
fight to the death!

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(BLADES RING)

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And by the blood on my blade,

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you shall know that I am innocent.

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WOMAN: Very well.

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A fight to the death.

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Alderman Plank.

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You are accused
of disloyalty to your lord.

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Choose your judgement.

207
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I choose trial by ordeal.

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Let a red-hot poker
be placed in my hand.

209
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God shall heal the festering wound
and you shall know I am innocent.

210
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So be it.

211
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,360
Master Carter!

212
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,880
Your crime is poaching,

213
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,040
Make your choice.

214
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,120
I choose trial by cake.

215
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,400
So I'll eat some cake.

216
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,480
If it be God's will,
it will go down nice and smooth

217
00:07:58,480 --> 00:07:59,960
and you'll know I'm innocent.

218
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,680
Master Carter has...

219
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,760
Yes?
PLANK: Sorry.

220
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,320
I didn't actually know
that cake was an option.

221
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,680
Mmm.

222
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,480
The cake is marked
with the name of our Lord.

223
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,600
No guilty man
will be able to swallow it.

224
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,320
PLANK: Yeah, no, sure,
but s...still, you know,

225
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,880
burning, festering hand wound...

226
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:15,880
..cake.

227
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,560
Yes, yes. I too am interested
in the cake option.

228
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,760
Trial by combat is a noble path,
Peter of Privy Lane.

229
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,360
Yet cake is awesome
and doesn't cut off my leg.

230
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,960
Very well. Bring out the cake!

231
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,840
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

232
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,920
That's not cake. That's a biscuit.
WOMAN: I should warn you.

233
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,760
'Tis very dry cake.

234
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,080
Oh, I'll cope.

235
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,080
'Tis said...

236
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,840
..that Earl Godwin of Kent was...

237
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,680
..tried by cake and choked to death.

238
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,960
Yes, well, my cousin chose trial by
combat and got cut in half, so...

239
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,560
(BLADE RINGS)
There's more!

240
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,680
The cake will be cleansed of evil
by a priest and it may have...

241
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,440
..some cheese on top.

242
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,160
Oh, I love a bit of cheese!

243
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,000
Sheep's cheese!
(BLEATING)

244
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,440
Hmm, could be worse.
Could be blue cheese.

245
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,440
Yeah.
Yeuch.

246
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,480
PETER: I have decided.

247
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,600
God will prove my innocence

248
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,120
with cheese and biscuits.

249
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,320
Lock it in, Lady Gage.
Me too.

250
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,480
We only have two portions of cake.

251
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,520
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Ooh!

252
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,320
(GROWLS)
You snooze, you lose.

253
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:17,600
(LAUGHS)
So, what's it gonna be?

254
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,640
Trial by combat or trial by ordeal?

255
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,120
(PLANK LAUGHS)
Fine.

256
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,640
Trial by combat. Final answer.

257
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:24,760
Thank you.

258
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,480
Although, honestly,

259
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,080
I am surprised none of you chose
trial by compurgation.

260
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,280
Trial by what, now?

261
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,240
Where you swear your innocence
on holy relics

262
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,120
and then when eventually you do die,
you let God judge you.

263
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,480
I'll definitely have that one.

264
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,080
Sorry, mate. You said "Final answer."

265
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,040
Yeah. Yeah. You did say that.
It's true. Yeah, I heard it.

266
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,920
I heard it.
Right! Lunch.

267
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,040
All this cake's made me hungry. Hm!

268
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,600
Hm.

269
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,840
Are you a rooster
who may be burned at the stake

270
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,480
just for being found
sitting on an egg?

271
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,200
Are you a hive of bees

272
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,720
facing the law
for stinging a man to death?

273
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,640
Are you a wolf accused of witchcraft

274
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,960
after being seen
walking on your hind legs?

275
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,560
Were you forced to wear human clothes
at your trial?

276
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:10,560
(GROWLS)

277
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,320
Then call the Animal
Law Practice today.

278
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,600
Whether you're a chicken, a wolf,

279
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,800
a pig or even a beetle,

280
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,960
if you've been accused of a crime,
I will fight for you.

281
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960
Unless you're a group of rats
facing persecution.

282
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,640
(SQUEAKS)
I will NOT fight for YOU.

283
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,720
(SQUEAKS)

284
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,280
Because we've got a specialist
in rodent injustice -

285
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,920
Bartholemew Chassenee.

286
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,840
I defended some rats
after they were accused

287
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,840
of destroying
the local barley crops.

288
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,000
Ah!

289
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,040
I argued the rats
had a right to attend the trial

290
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,320
but that the journey
to the courtroom

291
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:47,000
was too perilous due to the numbers
of their deadliest enemies - cats -

292
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,680
lying in wait along the way.

293
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,880
(CAT SCREECHES)

294
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,520
We don't care
how hairy you are.

295
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,120
We don't care how many
legs you've got.

296
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,280
We don't even care if you're guilty.
Uh-uh.

297
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,720
Call Animal Lawyers today.

298
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,440
BOTH: We will fight for you!

299
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,840
(SQUEAKS)

300
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,880
Be careful, men.

301
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:07,560
During these times of civil war, the
roads could be a haven for criminals.

302
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,200
Frankly, we've got a lot of stuff
that they might be interested in.

303
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,640
Ah! You mean
all the gold in our chest?

304
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,680
I was trying
not to draw attention to that! Whoa!

305
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,200
(STRUMS)
It's a woman!

306
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,240
In breeches!

307
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,560
Playing the lute!

308
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:22,680
Ahoy!

309
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,520
The name's Moll Cutpurse.

310
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,640
Moll Cutpurse! You used to rob
people all up and down the country!

311
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,520
You're well famous!

312
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,600
MOLL: I am.

313
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,400
And I've got the scars to prove it.

314
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,160
By which I mean
they caught me and scarred me hands

315
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,480
to mark me as a thief
and teach me the error of me ways.

316
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,920
Cool!
It's not cool!

317
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,040
It's punishment
for breaking our rules.

318
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,880
Pray it may have worked.

319
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,600
Don't look like it. Yeah, eh?

320
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:46,880
(RIPPING)
Hey!

321
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,160
(LAUGHS)
Me money!

322
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:49,200
Ah! Me trousers!

323
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,120
(LAUGHS) Oh! You're brilliant.

324
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,920
And yet she's still just a
petty thief, pickpocketing strangers.

325
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,440
How dare ya?

326
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,400
I'm in me 60s now,

327
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,880
pursuing me true passions.

328
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,440
Oh, what's that, then?
Doing stick-ups.

329
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,560
Hand over your loot.
And I don't mean this kind.

330
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,280
Never! You may be able
to scare the common folk.

331
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,440
But I am a general
of the highest authority.

332
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,440
(MAN LAUGHS)

333
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,080
I demand that
you follow the rules of society...

334
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,960
Oh!
..and the power of the law...

335
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,520
(LAUGHS)
Should have told ya.

336
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,040
I don't care
about the rules of society.

337
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,280
She is brilliant.

338
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,840
GENERAL:
Are none of you going to help?

339
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,280
MOLL: Come on, lads. Help me out.

340
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,480
Cutpurse away!

341
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,960
(APPLAUSE)
GENERAL: Oh, the shame.

342
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,680
My breeches are around me ankles!

343
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,000
Oh! Brilliant.

344
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,800
Of course,
if you DID break the rules,

345
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,200
it didn't always mean
you'd get punished.

346
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,680
In the past, there have been
some weird and wonderful ways

347
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,960
of getting away with it,

348
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,920
like claiming sanctuary,
which meant you couldn't be arrested

349
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,440
as long as you were
on church grounds.

350
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,880
(LAUGHS) Sneaky.

351
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,480
Luckily, monks don't commit crimes.

352
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,360
Well, apart from Brother Peter.

353
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,840
He stole some grey cloth,
and I'm afraid to say,

354
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,160
he made a HABIT out of it.

355
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,480
SOUND EFFECT: Wah-wah-wah-wah.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that's a monk joke.

356
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,240
Oi! Come back here!

357
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,480
(FUGITIVE LAUGHS)

358
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,600
Yes!

359
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,280
Ooh! (LAUGHS)

360
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,960
You can't get me now, Sheriff!

361
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,720
You're cornered! Right.

362
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm arresting you for...
Oi! What are you doing?

363
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,600
I'm claiming church sanctuary.

364
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,560
According to the law,
you cannot arrest me

365
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,400
whilst I am inside this church.

366
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,440
Well, you're not IN the church.

367
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,240
Yeah, but I'm on
church land, and that counts.

368
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,800
So, you know, bad luck.
Hm.

369
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,160
You can get me now, though.
Ugh!

370
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,520
No, you can't!

371
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,760
You can get me now, though.

372
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,080
You can't get me.
I'll just wait right here.

373
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,520
But eventually, you're gonna
have to come out, and when you do,

374
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,200
I'm gonna arrest ya.

375
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,080
Oh, well, I wouldn't count on it.

376
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,720
Law says I have 40 days
to decide what I want to do.

377
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:46,160
(LAUGHS) And what's a criminal
like you gonna do in a church, eh?

378
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,640
Loads, actually.

379
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,800
Join the choir. Meditate.
Nice.

380
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,760
Squat at a pot.

381
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:54,920
No, it's called gardening.

382
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,240
Anyway. Who said I DID anything?

383
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,120
Oh, come off it!

384
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,600
Nobody claims church sanctuary
if they're innocent.

385
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,400
Yeah, fair enough. I did it.
I knew it!

386
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,280
I stole a pig, and I gave it
to my girlfriend for a present.

387
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,720
(SEETHES)
I'm a filthy pig rustler!

388
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,640
But the law is the law.

389
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,680
So you...

390
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:13,920
..can't...

391
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,040
..touch me...

392
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,040
(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

393
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,680
Alright, Dave?
Are you arresting him?

394
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,840
Trying to, Caroline,

395
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,160
but he's claimed sanctuary,
hasn't he?

396
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,440
Oh. Didn't you hear?
What's that?

397
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,760
King Henry changed the laws on that
last week.

398
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:27,800
DAVE: He did?

399
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,480
From now on,
all criminals are fair game.

400
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,040
Is that right?
Getting out of here.

401
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,160
Ooh, ooh!
Oh, come on!

402
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,320
Ooh! Would you look at that?

403
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,200
(LAUGHS)
I was just having a laugh!

404
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,960
I was joking!
Right. You're coming with me!

405
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,920
Pardon me. I couldn't
help overhearing, my child.

406
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,840
Did you say that the King
has removed the rights of criminals

407
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,040
to take sanctuary on church land?

408
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,320
That's right, Vicar.

409
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,480
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Alright, boys, the game's up.

410
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,240
Grab what you can and let's go.

411
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,240
Ooh!
VICAR: That's it.

412
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,600
Run, run, run, run!

413
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,640
Oh. You dropped that.
Oh, there you go.

414
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,160
Oh, dear, clumsy.

415
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,920
There have certainly been a lot
of rule-breakers over the years,

416
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,080
and that's why we've needed people
to try and stop them.

417
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,480
In the 19th century,

418
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:15,080
Sir Robert Peel created Britain's
first professional police force.

419
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,680
But in those early days, being
a 'peeler', as they were called,

420
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,440
wasn't exactly
an easy or popular job.

421
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,680
Hm.

422
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,440
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

423
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,520
(RECORD SCRATCHES)

424
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,880
Oi! You! Come back here!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

425
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,240
MAN: You'll never catch me, copper!

426
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,000


427
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,640


428
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,600


429
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,920


430
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,120


431
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,840

It was really hard labour

432
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,200


433
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,880


434
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,360


435
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,800


436
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,520

the police force

437
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:58,960


438
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,320


439
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,680


440
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,360


441
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,200


442
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,560


443
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,720



444
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,360



445
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,400


446
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,440


447
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,720


448
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,560


449
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,560


450
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,840


451
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880

my minimum income

452
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,720

being a policeman

453
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,320


454
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,960


455
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,840

a nice new woollen uniform

456
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,280


457
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,760


458
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,800


459
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,600


460
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,320


461
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,280


462
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,600


463
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,800


464
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,360
Out of my way, peelers!

465
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,840


466
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,600


467
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,680

we got to grow compulsory whiskers

468
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,440



469
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,840



470
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,680


471
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,640


472
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,800


473
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,560


474
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,880


475
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,640


476
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,560


477
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,920
Some rules were a bit odd,

478
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,800
like the one that said
all mute swans in England

479
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,680
belonged to the king or queen.

480
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,320
That particular rule
actually ruffled a lot of feathers.

481
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,640
(DRUM AND CYMBAL STING PLAYS)
Anyway. That's why I have a goose.

482
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,400
Did you like
my 'egg-cellent' joke, Susan?

483
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,040
(HONKS)
She thinks it honked.

484
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,720
Harsh. Anyway.
(HONKS)

485
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,200
That swan rule
put one woman in quite a flap.

486
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,760
VOICEOVER:
Sorting out the beefs of the past...

487
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,160
Hannibal, you may have
taken elephants over the Alps

488
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,520
when you attacked Rome,

489
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,600
but you may not bring them
into my courtroom!

490
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,000
(ELEPHANTS TRUMPET)
..with the justice of today.

491
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,600
There's few enough buns
to go round as it is!

492
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,680
VOICEOVER: Welcome to:

493
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,600
Dorset-based landowner
Dame Joan Young

494
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,640
has brought Queen Elizabeth I
to court

495
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,360
over a disagreement
about some valuable property.

496
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,720
I do love cases involving royalty.

497
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,720
Now, what's this about? Crowns?

498
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,560
Sceptres?
Swans.

499
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,560
I'm sorry? What, now?

500
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,040
This one's swanning off
with my swans!

501
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:32,560
Oh, please! They're
my swans, not your swans.

502
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,080
All mute swans
are property of the Crown -

503
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,160
i.e., me, the Queen,
queen of the swans.

504
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,360
Oh, swan right off, you swanny-swan!

505
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,920
Everybody stop saying 'swan'.

506
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,920
Now, Dame Joan,

507
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,720
what is this about?

508
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,840
She's trying to take away my

509
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,520
white feathery,
erm, goose-like waterbird...

510
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,600
OK. OK. Look.
You can say it just this once.

511
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,080
My swans.
(HONKING AND FLAPPING)

512
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,200
And you've brought them with you.
Great.

513
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,760
Just what I wanted - my courtroom
to smell like a birdbath.

514
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,920
My swans used to belong to
the Abbey of St Peter,

515
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,360
but when King Henry VIII
closed the monasteries,

516
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,920
he gave the land,
and its swans, to my family.

517
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,520
They're royal swans,
and they belong to me.

518
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,440
Your Honour, my swans
are an important part of my estate.

519
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,800
They're beautiful,
graceful and delicious.

520
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,640
Yes. Well, I think...

521
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,400
Wait a second.
Did...did...did you say 'delicious'?

522
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,800
Mmm! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Roast swan?

523
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,800
With yellow pepper sauce?
Ooh!

524
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,360
ELIZABETH: Daddy's favourite!
Order!

525
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,800
This is Time Beefs,
not MasterChef.

526
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,800
Well, we could let the swans decide.

527
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,440
Or I could be like a swan and...

528
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,400
..break your arm
with a single blow of a wing.

529
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,880
Wah-cha!
Ooh, that does it!

530
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,960
You shut that beak up or I will!

531
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,720
(BANGS GAVEL) Order, order!
We'll have no FOUL play in here!

532
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,080
Get it? 'Fowl', like...birds?

533
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,600
Let the record show
I made an excellent joke.

534
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,560
Now, everybody settle down.

535
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,120
I'm ready to give my ruling.

536
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,960
ELIZABETH:
Before you do, perhaps I could

537
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,560
offer you a little snackette?
(LAUGHS)

538
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,440
It's a swanage roll -

539
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,920
a sausage roll but more feathery.

540
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,600
You know, Your Majesty,
I don't take kindly to your bribery.

541
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,520
But, mind you,
that does smell like great swan.

542
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,720
That's it.

543
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,280
I rule in favour of the Queen.

544
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,800
All swans belong to her.

545
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,200
Ah! In your face, swan-napper!

546
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,880
No! Give me my swans!

547
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,560
(BOTH YELL)

548
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,360
Next case. Get them out.

549
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,520
Uh, the court will now take
five minutes recess

550
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,400
while I eat my swanage roll.

551
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,040
Do we have any cases
involving pickle?

552
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,160
(CLANGING)
WOMAN: Bang, bang, bang!

553
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,240
Bang, bang, bang, bang...

554
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,560
Can I help you?

555
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,000
No. Bang, bang, bang!

556
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,320
Bang! Bang!
What are you doing?

557
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,560
Well, I am banging a gong
and shouting. Duh!

558
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,520
Bang, bang, bang, bang...
OK.

559
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,840
Can you stop? It's very annoying.

560
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,240
Well, I CAN stop.

561
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,160
But I won't,
BECAUSE you find it annoying.

562
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,360
(CLANGING)
Bang, bang...

563
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,800
Why are you doing this?!

564
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,520
Don't you like loud noises?
I'm surprised.

565
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,000
You seemed OK with making a racket

566
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,840
outside my house yesterday morning.

567
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,760
OK. I'm sorry.
It was our marching band practice.

568
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,640
We got carried away, you know.
You're feeling the music.

569
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,960
Hey. Forget it.

570
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:21,960
I have.
Thanks.

571
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,640
Bang, bang, bang...
(CLANGING)

572
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,960
Are you sure
you've forgotten about it?

573
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,240
Because it seems like you absolutely
haven't forgotten about it.

574
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,160
Well...
What's all this?

575
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,240
It sounds incredibly annoying.

576
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,480
Well, it's meant to be!

577
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:35,800
Then you're under arrest.

578
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,080
Arrest?!

579
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,880
Being annoying is against chapter 22
of the 1860 Penal Code.

580
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,920
And you just confessed.

581
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,560
(LAUGHS)

582
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,560
Oh!

583
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,280
How you like me now?!

584
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,040
Marching band practice is back on!

585
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,880
(CLANGING)
Bang! Bang! Bang, bang! Bang, bang!

586
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,560
You're going to prison, baby.

587
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,280
Eating the prison dal.

588
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,440
Oh! There's barely any spices
in there.

589
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,440
Gong, baby.

590
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,440
Gong.

591
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,720
(CLANGING)

592
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,320
(LAUGHS)

593
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,480
(TUTS)

594
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,360
What?
That was pretty annoying.

595
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,480
You're also under arrest.

596
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:10,480
(LAUGHS)

597
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,880
You could both serve up to two years
in prison for being annoying.

598
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,600
Hey, come on!
Hey, now, YOU'RE being annoying.

599
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,400
Would you like to report a crime?
MAN: What?

600
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,640
You said my colleague
was being annoying. That's a crime.

601
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,320
I'm arresting you for being annoying

602
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,480
while arresting THEM
for being annoying.

603
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,320
Although I imagine
that must be pretty annoying, so...

604
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,120
..feel free to arrest me in return.

605
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,320
Who came up with this law anyway?

606
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,640
The British Raj.
BOTH: Oh.

607
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,200
Now, they are annoying.

608
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,080
Tell me more.

609
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,080
Right. So...

610
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:42,800
Oh, my goodness, guys. We have
the most special show for you today.

611
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,480
We are going to be
springing a surprise on a servant

612
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,400
that has been working
very, very hard.

613
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,840
Not at his job.
No. He is a terrible servant.

614
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,880
He has been working very hard
on his fashion.

615
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,520
Seriously, we could not
make this guy look any better,

616
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,080
so let's meet him.

617
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,000
Robert Linton,
servant to Queen Elizabeth?

618
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,480
Yes.
You look amazeballs.

619
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,160
It should be against the law
for a servant to look that good.

620
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,840
And guess what.
It IS against the law.

621
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:09,720
What?

622
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,240
You're going to prison
for looking so fabuloso!

623
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,920
(SCREAMS)
(GATE CLANKS)

624
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,280
(FUNKY MUSIC)

625
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,760
I don't want to go to prison.
You're both dressed exactly like me!

626
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,600
Of course. We are courtiers.
We are allowed to look this fabulous.

627
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,080
But a lowly servant boy like you

628
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,480
needs to look as unimpressive
as you actually are.

629
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,120
We are here
to keep you out of prison, mate.

630
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,600
Yeah - we're gonna be giving you
our first ever make...

631
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,000
Under!
..under!

632
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,200
Wha-ha-hat?!

633
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,920
(FUNKY MUSIC)

634
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,320
THOMAS: Do you know what?

635
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,320
His big padded fashionable
Tudor bottom looks fantastic.

636
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,880
I mean, what have you got stuffed
down there? A couple of cushions?

637
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,920
Now, Tudor fashion laws say
servants are only allowed

638
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,120
1.6 metres of padding.

639
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,640
Them's the rules!
What?!

640
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,880
I'm not allowed to have a metre
and a half of padding on my bum?

641
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,280
Oh, no.
You're not allowed ANY on your bum.

642
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,040
You're supposed to wear it
on your legs, not your backside.

643
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,240
And what do you call this?
It is divine.

644
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,720
It's silk!
Uh-oh!

645
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,040
Somebody call the fashion police.
(SIRENS HOWL)

646
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,080
Whoop-whoop!

647
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,720
It is against the law
for anyone lower than a baron

648
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,040
to wear silk or satin
in Tudor England.

649
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,040
What?!

650
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,640
So, let's put that
flash in the trash!

651
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,600
BOTH: It's time
this servant got served.

652
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,840
(FUNKY MUSIC)

653
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,760
EDWARD: Before we met Robert,
he was dressed to impress.

654
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,320
THOMAS: But thanks to us,
he's gone from fab to drab.

655
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,720
(GASPS)
Oh!

656
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,880
Oh!
(SIGHS) I look awful.

657
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:46,920
You are welcome.

658
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,800
You look plain, boring.
It is so you.

659
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,720
Just as a servant of your rank
SHOULD look.

660
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,720
Yay.

661
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,880
But there's no need to look as
miserable as your sad little outfit.

662
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,480
'Cause guess what.
You're not going to prison anymore!

663
00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,520
(CHEERING)

664
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,760
And we've got another surprise
for you.

665
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,720
It's only Queen Elizabeth!
(FANFARE PLAYS)

666
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,920
Hello! (LAUGHS)

667
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,680
Yes, it's me!
Yes, Queen!

668
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,800
Now, the all-important question.

669
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,160
What do you think of our servant?

670
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,680
Him? (LAUGHS)

671
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,240
I barely noticed him when I came in.

672
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,560
Our work here is done.

673
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,440
Now, you, you look amazing! (LAUGHS)

674
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,240
How much padding you got
in THOSE trunks?

675
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,200
I'm not wearing any padding.

676
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,240
Ooh.

677
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,480
That's all we've got time for
for today's make-under.

678
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,680
Until next time!
Did you hear what she said?

679
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:30,680
EDWARD: Yeah.
Ha-ha!

680
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,200
Sometimes in history, there
have been rules that were so unfair,

681
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,280
they needed changing.

682
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,720
And changing those rules
meant breaking them.

683
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,080
That's what
the suffragettes were doing

684
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,120
when they protested about
women not being allowed to vote.

685
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,160
One famous protester
was Rosa May Billinghurst.

686
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:51,840
She didn't let any rules get in
the way of fighting for her rights.

687
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,200
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

688
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:07,880


689
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:10,160


690
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,520

your violent ways"

691
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,440

of what I have done

692
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,080


693
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,320


694
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,320


695
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,080

if I have to make a fuss

696
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,440


697
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,560


698
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,960

I'll get back in

699
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,400

Yay

700
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,200

but I'll still campaign

701
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,760



702
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,960


703
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,880


704
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,800


705
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,480


706
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:09,240


707
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:13,120


708
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:17,200


709
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,280


710
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,080


711
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,560


712
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:33,320


713
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,640


714
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,160


715
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,840


716
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,120


717
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,640


718
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,720


719
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:49,080


720
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,080
Sometimes
you have to break the rules.

721
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,720
And they belong to me.

722
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,760
Daddy loves a bam.
(LAUGHTER)

723
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,360
Sheep's cheeks.

724
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:06,480
I can't do that one!
(LAUGHTER)

725
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,040
Sorry.

726
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,760
SONG:
is no longer a mystery

727
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,480


728
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:16,480


729
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,920
Captions by Red Bee Media